M
mrhtbd
Guest
My confidence has shrugged. I knew something was wrong for a long time, but couldn't identify the stream which connected them.
Went through life as a half-entity, at times, skimming like a mosquito, only touching down on occasion, but this morning I had an epiphany.
Last night, the wife started with her regular tirade of incomprehensibility (exercise in non-logic).
I was planning on going to the gym, then realized it was something I was using for escapism (which is the wrong reason to go).
Instead, I made my point very clear and countered her unfounded assumptions, but in the exercise of reason, I realized that her constant interruptions of my life balance, which bordered from the ridiculous to the absurd over the years, were in fact a wry attempt to keep me off balance. It was working, as some of you unfortunately have read about and can attest from my last few years here.
So, the epiphany...I realized that this unbalance was negatively effecting my confidence as a man, in taking care of my daily affairs, and that, even though I was resilient in working through demise, and was still able (for years) to maintain a forward momentum, the pattern of restriction had become apparent, and that was(is): that I got the feeling from others of never being good enough and this kept me off balance.
So with this awareness...this morning, I made my position perfectly clear, that I was fully aware of her "subterfuge,"
that she was deliberately undermining me because she is selfish like her mother and is hell-bent on control. "That is why," I said, "that the only person in your family I get respect from is your father, because he inherently realizes that I am in the same position as he was made to suffer for decades and is sympathetic."
In a nutshell, she always insisted that, "Since I have never been there, she pushed me away," and I maintained that, "I was pushed away and so was never there." Either way it was bullshit.
Either way, I became aware of a rising compulsion to take control, and while riding into work on my motorcycle this morning, at 75 MPH on a wrecked and broken highway, riding at times in the air, I realized that I had control, or at least enough control to maintain momentum and move forward (personally, physically, and career-wise) in the past 10 years.
What had happened, I continually quipped to myself, as I weaved and parlayed, as I rode the perfect line, as I got wet then dried the tires on a hot stretch?
Then, as I rounded a wide curve at 70 MPH, riding too close to the car in front of me (for commonly-held safe motorcycle regulations) trying to outmaneuver an ass trying to push in from the right, and doing so brilliantly, I realized that the key was confidence.
Now the epiphany, I realizing that the only thing to have kept me upright this past decade, aside from the usurpers intent for demise, was marginal confidence and being relentless to give in, but the problem was that my confidence had shrugged.
Today's note: marginal confidence is no longer acceptable.
So, my quest is to find out as much about confidence as I can, divulge the information, forgo platitudes, and rise above the mundane.
I have already identified several things which uphold and enhance my confidence: the number one thing is weight lifting, which would explain why I have had no problem using it as a positive form of escapism throughout the years, but where's the direction?
I just started a new program I will follow for 6 weeks. It feels good, I am making progress, and that's that, but what about the rest of my life?
Any tips about confidence are welcome and appreciated.
Went through life as a half-entity, at times, skimming like a mosquito, only touching down on occasion, but this morning I had an epiphany.
Last night, the wife started with her regular tirade of incomprehensibility (exercise in non-logic).
I was planning on going to the gym, then realized it was something I was using for escapism (which is the wrong reason to go).
Instead, I made my point very clear and countered her unfounded assumptions, but in the exercise of reason, I realized that her constant interruptions of my life balance, which bordered from the ridiculous to the absurd over the years, were in fact a wry attempt to keep me off balance. It was working, as some of you unfortunately have read about and can attest from my last few years here.
So, the epiphany...I realized that this unbalance was negatively effecting my confidence as a man, in taking care of my daily affairs, and that, even though I was resilient in working through demise, and was still able (for years) to maintain a forward momentum, the pattern of restriction had become apparent, and that was(is): that I got the feeling from others of never being good enough and this kept me off balance.
So with this awareness...this morning, I made my position perfectly clear, that I was fully aware of her "subterfuge,"
that she was deliberately undermining me because she is selfish like her mother and is hell-bent on control. "That is why," I said, "that the only person in your family I get respect from is your father, because he inherently realizes that I am in the same position as he was made to suffer for decades and is sympathetic."
In a nutshell, she always insisted that, "Since I have never been there, she pushed me away," and I maintained that, "I was pushed away and so was never there." Either way it was bullshit.
Either way, I became aware of a rising compulsion to take control, and while riding into work on my motorcycle this morning, at 75 MPH on a wrecked and broken highway, riding at times in the air, I realized that I had control, or at least enough control to maintain momentum and move forward (personally, physically, and career-wise) in the past 10 years.
What had happened, I continually quipped to myself, as I weaved and parlayed, as I rode the perfect line, as I got wet then dried the tires on a hot stretch?
Then, as I rounded a wide curve at 70 MPH, riding too close to the car in front of me (for commonly-held safe motorcycle regulations) trying to outmaneuver an ass trying to push in from the right, and doing so brilliantly, I realized that the key was confidence.
Now the epiphany, I realizing that the only thing to have kept me upright this past decade, aside from the usurpers intent for demise, was marginal confidence and being relentless to give in, but the problem was that my confidence had shrugged.
Today's note: marginal confidence is no longer acceptable.
So, my quest is to find out as much about confidence as I can, divulge the information, forgo platitudes, and rise above the mundane.
I have already identified several things which uphold and enhance my confidence: the number one thing is weight lifting, which would explain why I have had no problem using it as a positive form of escapism throughout the years, but where's the direction?
I just started a new program I will follow for 6 weeks. It feels good, I am making progress, and that's that, but what about the rest of my life?
Any tips about confidence are welcome and appreciated.
