Warhead, I hope things are getting back to better. Maybe this will help. It took a long time to figure out my own psychology but I think there are a lot of us here that are similar. Depression and anxiety seems to stem from a perception that we are not moving forward or even backwards in our lives.
Pretty much the present doesn't exist other than now.. wait it's gone.. now... fuckit's gone again. Anyway the present is somcethingextremely fleeting. The points in time that really matter are the past and the future. The past informs us how to plan for the future. Our sense of worth, or calm, or our feelings of anxiety or depression, all come from our past informing us in the present put what our prospects are.
So, to move to a better place, meaning one where we feel a sense of worth and purpose is to plan and do things that impact us in a way that produces that effect. For me it's getting to the gym and improving, doing scientific research, getting my yard in order, going to town meetings, writing scientific papers, teaching folks about stuff I am good at.
You have a set of talents and those can be used to do things that will be in the past. Reflecting back on those accomplishments will reduce anxiety, depression, lead to greater self worth and give you a sense of purpose. AS men I think that is the state we want to create. There is no perpetual state of happiness. There is only finding purpose and accomplishment in the endless battle against chaos... accidents, signs of aging, etc.
You are a strong man. You have rushed headlong into the chaos countless times and emerged whole and stronger. Once you build those new experiences, and move past old experiences that inform you now, you will find your purpose and that will inform you day to day how to take the next steps, make the next plans, make the next accomplishments and continually move forward.
I hope this makes sense.
G
