M
mrhtbd
Guest
I've been antsy lately, and doing the unthinkable thing, wondering just what the hell am I doing and where is it taking me? My life has stabilized. I don't do recreational drugs, only drink 3 beers a week if that, don't run women, and basically have no bad habits. For years I rode on the edge of life, thrilled by the backdrop of danger and the fantastic, but now, I trudge through my day, putting up with shit from people who couldn't care less for whatever I have to give. Tied to my job, I go back and forth, back and forth, sometimes seeming a glint of my distant past in relevance or inspiration, only to fall back into the pattern of untended existence.
I've used every excuse for neglecting myself, got to finish the house, that's too selfish, have to do this for so-an-so, that for so-an-so, but in the end of the day sit warily wondering where it has all gone.
A month ago I returned to the gym, the struggle which has helped springboard me into other dimensions for most of my life, but even that, seems pale compared to the untendered road, awaiting, wanting, wondering if I'll ever be able to squeeze it in. Haven't rode my motorcycle since July, cause I had to do this...I had to do that. Granted, no-one forced me to do any of those projects or extensions of myself, no-one co-erced me with subterfuge to deny myself and bely to the beck and desire of others, I did it to myself. Has the glint in my eye become so dull as to not look forward? Have I become complacent in my, atone-time desire to, as Masefield wrote, "urge to heights as yet unguessed?" Friends have been let by the wayside, family have been neglected, what once was a reason for my existence has slowly faded into the backdrop of my being. So today I asked myself, with the sun shining I asked myself, with the blue skies that so many times beckoned me about and drew me outward from within my self, I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing here?" And where did I go to find the answer, I came here, to A&E.......(long pause).....
For so long I relished in doubt, for so long I cringed in hope of a lightning strike to spark my ass into action, but slowly, steadily, throughout the ages, I worked in the medium I most enjoyed, and ins so doing, I have come to know, somewhat, persons, entities, fictitious spirits in the internally-wired spirit world we refer to as the internet, like-minded souls wanting something too, doing the same thing I am in the meantime, that is, lifting weights, and forcing the body past self imagined and/or real limitations.
What the hell am I doing here; getting feedback? Venting? Practicing my craft in writing? And what if these souls don't care either? What if some just figure, hell, he's been around for so long I'll just give a shout out for the old man. Either or, it doesn't matter, it's appreciated, but not the end-all for sure. I've emulsified into something else here, changed, hardened, softened, got real, sober, real sober, and now with clarity I wonder just what am I'm doing here?
I get a sense of satisfaction here, like a tenuous thread holding me to something intangible. Hard to define but not wanting to release, no reason to, or desire to. It seems like with all the changes going around me on a daily basis, and throughout the years, I can come home here. I've put the member's through hell at times, yet they haven't relinquished me yet. I tried to get you to kick me to the curb but you refused. That's something solid. Un-for-seen but solid nonetheless. Maybe that's why I'm here, because no matter how bad it got, I was kept in the fold, and as close to my physical reality I am here, it seems I am a foreigner in a strange land, but on A&E, where I am really a foreigner, I seem to be a cog, or it seems to be a cog. Either way, the wheels are turning and the sun is shining and these twats are finally gone for the day and I want to scream for life and run and lift and yell and laugh and drive slowly just to savor the flavor of the spice life has to offer.
I know why I'm here. I'm here because you'll listen. Through all the ramblings of my eccentric mind you'll listen, impatiently you'll listen, and in a breath of a whisper, maybe, just maybe, I can make some sense of it all after all. Sense of it all, yeah, used to be sensa-milla of it all, now it's just sense, and that's OK, because if I can soberly question my existence with clarity, and get inspired over something about nothing, than what's to question? It makes sense. I love it here, why else would I have come back time and time again, year after year, through thick and thin, friends and family, trite and slim, why, because it makes sense. A&E for me over the past (including my time at IT, since 2004) has been there, like a beacon in the night, like a safe harbor somewhere near a rocky shore. The moments living on the edge and getting close to home all muddled somewhere in the distance. It makes sense, and I know I'm babbling, I know I rambling and running a train of thought I couldn't have planned or done even if i cared, but here I am anyway, where I'm supposed to be, just letting it go, putting it out there, in my strange and overly-expressive way.
This is my 3000th post and I'm not a moderator, just a man, nothing more, nothing less, just a man who is appreciative to be considered a vet, even though my sword may have been broken and me sent to the out-lands years ago, here, I'm still a vet, so thank you! Thank you for helping me find meaning in a meaningless world, the one where I try to help but am chastised for being, (in my occupational world) the one I'm trying to escape from before it drags me under like a crocodile rolling me beneath the surface, drowning me bit-by-bit. Thank you for extending me the slight encouragement over the years to help me stay above water enough to get strong again, to breath. Thank you especially for making me feel like I am a member of your family, regardless of my eccentricities.
This is my 3000th post. Wow, I spent an awfully long time on this website. I wish I could compile all my posts into one book, but my realization today is that it would take away precious time. Time I intend to use doing squats, as long as I can, and presses and pulls, and feeling swole inside until life moves over for my mass, the mass that I am, the force against the tide of miscreants waiting in the wings to scrunch me with their nothings.
A bunch of kids gave me crap today, after I spent hours in lending them intellectual inspiration to empower them, only to have them turn against me because I didn't sacrifice to their every whim. Now I feel I've been wasting my time, running on the wrong track, and missing the boat altogether. From here on in, it's going to be mass, growth, and family. All the rest can go to hell. TGIF, and it's leg day, oh man, can it get any better than this???
I've used every excuse for neglecting myself, got to finish the house, that's too selfish, have to do this for so-an-so, that for so-an-so, but in the end of the day sit warily wondering where it has all gone.
A month ago I returned to the gym, the struggle which has helped springboard me into other dimensions for most of my life, but even that, seems pale compared to the untendered road, awaiting, wanting, wondering if I'll ever be able to squeeze it in. Haven't rode my motorcycle since July, cause I had to do this...I had to do that. Granted, no-one forced me to do any of those projects or extensions of myself, no-one co-erced me with subterfuge to deny myself and bely to the beck and desire of others, I did it to myself. Has the glint in my eye become so dull as to not look forward? Have I become complacent in my, atone-time desire to, as Masefield wrote, "urge to heights as yet unguessed?" Friends have been let by the wayside, family have been neglected, what once was a reason for my existence has slowly faded into the backdrop of my being. So today I asked myself, with the sun shining I asked myself, with the blue skies that so many times beckoned me about and drew me outward from within my self, I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing here?" And where did I go to find the answer, I came here, to A&E.......(long pause).....
For so long I relished in doubt, for so long I cringed in hope of a lightning strike to spark my ass into action, but slowly, steadily, throughout the ages, I worked in the medium I most enjoyed, and ins so doing, I have come to know, somewhat, persons, entities, fictitious spirits in the internally-wired spirit world we refer to as the internet, like-minded souls wanting something too, doing the same thing I am in the meantime, that is, lifting weights, and forcing the body past self imagined and/or real limitations.
What the hell am I doing here; getting feedback? Venting? Practicing my craft in writing? And what if these souls don't care either? What if some just figure, hell, he's been around for so long I'll just give a shout out for the old man. Either or, it doesn't matter, it's appreciated, but not the end-all for sure. I've emulsified into something else here, changed, hardened, softened, got real, sober, real sober, and now with clarity I wonder just what am I'm doing here?
I get a sense of satisfaction here, like a tenuous thread holding me to something intangible. Hard to define but not wanting to release, no reason to, or desire to. It seems like with all the changes going around me on a daily basis, and throughout the years, I can come home here. I've put the member's through hell at times, yet they haven't relinquished me yet. I tried to get you to kick me to the curb but you refused. That's something solid. Un-for-seen but solid nonetheless. Maybe that's why I'm here, because no matter how bad it got, I was kept in the fold, and as close to my physical reality I am here, it seems I am a foreigner in a strange land, but on A&E, where I am really a foreigner, I seem to be a cog, or it seems to be a cog. Either way, the wheels are turning and the sun is shining and these twats are finally gone for the day and I want to scream for life and run and lift and yell and laugh and drive slowly just to savor the flavor of the spice life has to offer.
I know why I'm here. I'm here because you'll listen. Through all the ramblings of my eccentric mind you'll listen, impatiently you'll listen, and in a breath of a whisper, maybe, just maybe, I can make some sense of it all after all. Sense of it all, yeah, used to be sensa-milla of it all, now it's just sense, and that's OK, because if I can soberly question my existence with clarity, and get inspired over something about nothing, than what's to question? It makes sense. I love it here, why else would I have come back time and time again, year after year, through thick and thin, friends and family, trite and slim, why, because it makes sense. A&E for me over the past (including my time at IT, since 2004) has been there, like a beacon in the night, like a safe harbor somewhere near a rocky shore. The moments living on the edge and getting close to home all muddled somewhere in the distance. It makes sense, and I know I'm babbling, I know I rambling and running a train of thought I couldn't have planned or done even if i cared, but here I am anyway, where I'm supposed to be, just letting it go, putting it out there, in my strange and overly-expressive way.
This is my 3000th post and I'm not a moderator, just a man, nothing more, nothing less, just a man who is appreciative to be considered a vet, even though my sword may have been broken and me sent to the out-lands years ago, here, I'm still a vet, so thank you! Thank you for helping me find meaning in a meaningless world, the one where I try to help but am chastised for being, (in my occupational world) the one I'm trying to escape from before it drags me under like a crocodile rolling me beneath the surface, drowning me bit-by-bit. Thank you for extending me the slight encouragement over the years to help me stay above water enough to get strong again, to breath. Thank you especially for making me feel like I am a member of your family, regardless of my eccentricities.
This is my 3000th post. Wow, I spent an awfully long time on this website. I wish I could compile all my posts into one book, but my realization today is that it would take away precious time. Time I intend to use doing squats, as long as I can, and presses and pulls, and feeling swole inside until life moves over for my mass, the mass that I am, the force against the tide of miscreants waiting in the wings to scrunch me with their nothings.
A bunch of kids gave me crap today, after I spent hours in lending them intellectual inspiration to empower them, only to have them turn against me because I didn't sacrifice to their every whim. Now I feel I've been wasting my time, running on the wrong track, and missing the boat altogether. From here on in, it's going to be mass, growth, and family. All the rest can go to hell. TGIF, and it's leg day, oh man, can it get any better than this???
