Cruci
Vet
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2006
- Messages
- 1,569
Day after day I have been seeking answers, and it finally now makes sense. I put my faith in the Flying Spaghetti Monster and I have been touched by his noodly appendage. After placing my faith in something because I read about it in a book somewhere, now I believe without needing proof. How liberating not to have to think anymore. The followers of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (we call ourselves Pastafarians) know the truth about many things.
We follow the path for us set by the FSM whole wholeheartedly. Here are his commandments (also known as the 8 I'd rather you didn'ts)
The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"
1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go **** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
1. Ending poverty
2. Curing diseases
3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
We Pastafarians believe in an afterlife as well. In heaven there are beer volcanoes and a stripper factory. Hell is similar, except that the beer is stale, and the strippers have sexually transmitted diseases.
We Pastafarians also know the truth behind global warming (take that Al Gore!) Global warming IS real, and it is caused directly by the shrinking number of pirates throughout the years. Pirates were actually spreaders of goodwill that went around handing out candy to children and doing good things for people. After their holy name was tainted by Christians and Hare Krishnas, people started to look at them as evil murderers, and so they became less and less prevalent, starting global warming as we know it. Take a look at this graph.
We also celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day on September 19th (our holiest of holy days.)
And to all you stupid "Non Believers" out there who say that science is the key, let me show you (using a book written by another human being) how any hypothesis that has been developed by hard work, endless study and testing using the scientific method are meaningless. You see, the TRUTH is that all 'evidence' for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in an effort to test Pastafarians' faith — a form of the Omphalos hypothesis. When scientific measurements, such as radiocarbon dating, are made, the Flying Spaghetti Monster "is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We know for a FACT because we truly believe it (so I guess that makes it a fact) that Evolution is a FRAUD. The FSM created the world one night after heavy drinking. Why is that true? Because I have faith, and YOU CANNOT QUESTION MY FAITH!
Say this prayer and you shall be SAVED!
Our spaghetti, who art in red sauce,
pasta be thy name.
Thy kingdom comes, thy meatballs done
for dinner, as well as in leftovers.
Give us this day our daily garlic bread,
and forgive us our peppers,
as we forgive those who use mozzarella instead of Parmesan.
And lead us not into garlic pesto
and deliver us from the evils of Alfredo..
For thine is the angel hair, the fettuccine, and the al dente
ahhhmen."
Learn more about the one true deity with noodly appendages!
http://www.venganza.org/
