Joke of the day

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Fun Things to do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Bring your golf clubs and start practicing. Don't forget to shout, "FORE!"
17. Do Tai Chi exercises.
18. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
19. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
20. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
21. Meow occassionally.
22. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
23. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
24. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
25. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
26. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
27. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
28. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
29. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
30. Leave a box between the doors.
31. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
32. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
33. Start a sing-along. (Kumbia)
34. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
35. Play the harmonica.
36. Shadow box.
37. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
38. Lean against the button panel.
39. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
40. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
41. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
42. Bring a chair along.
43. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
44. Blow spit bubbles.
45. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
46. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
47. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
48. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
49. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
50. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
51. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
 
The Pickle Slicer
Bob worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his "appendage" in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later Bob came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bob?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my "appendage" in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bob, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bob, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bob. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."
 
Just in case y'all were thinkin' 'bout movin' down.
Rules for a Northerner Movin' South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this " stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
 
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
 
Men are like.....

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
------------------
and my favorite
Men are like tile floors
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them the rest of your life
 
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea."
After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"
 
OOOPS......
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the hell are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
 
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX
1. You can GET chocolate
2. ?If you love me you?ll swallow that? has real meaning with chocolate
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you like
6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother
7. If you bite the nuts too hard chocolate won?t mind
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names
9. The word ?commitment? doesn?t scare off chocolate
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during work hours without upsetting your co-workers
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped
12. You don?t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate
13. With chocolate there?s no need to fake it
14. Chocolate doesn?t make you pregnant
15. You can have chocolate any time of the month
16. Good chocolate is easy to find
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate
19. When you have chocolate it doesn?t keep your neighbors awake
20. With chocolate size doesn?t matter
 
It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it
And perfectly normal to ignore it.


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


In dire need of a beauty makeover, an old lady went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair. The stylist began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair. She was delighted by the cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."
 
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!
Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, 'Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!'
His boss doesn't believe him, so he says 'No you do not know everyone in the whole world' but Bubba says 'Yes I do!' so Bubba's boss says 'Well prove it!' then Bubba says 'Pick someone... and I know them!'
Well, Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. 'Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!'
Bubba says 'Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!'
but Bubba's boss says 'No you weren't!'
then Bubba says 'Yes we were' so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes 'Tom!!' and Tom goes 'Bubba!' and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.
But then he thinks 'Well that could happen, it's just one person,' so he tells Bubba and Bubba says 'OK, pick somebody else!'
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! 'The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!' but Bubba says 'Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!'
Bubba's boss says 'No you weren't!' and Bubba says 'Yes we were!' so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves 'Bill!' and the President waves 'Bubba' and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it.
But then he thinks 'Well that's just two people in one country?that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!' so he tells Bubba and Bubba says 'OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!'
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says 'The Pope! You do not know the Pope!' and Bubba says 'The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!' and Bubba's boss says 'No, he didn't!' and Bubba says 'Yes he did!' so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people.
They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says 'Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what-- I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!' and he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and he is with Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.
Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says Boss! Boss! Wake up!' and when his boss comes to, he asks 'Boss what happened?!!' Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says 'OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... I can even take the Pope!
But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!"
 
A husband goes deer hunting with friends every year, and, every year, the wife pleads to come along.
?No honey, it?s not for women? he always says.
Finally one year the wife says ?If I don?t go this year, You don?t get any next year!?
So he concedes, much to the cajoling he receives from his friends.
The first day they are heading to the deer blind and , as they walk along the well traveled path, they spot a tree stump. ?Here you are honey, sit here and if a deer walks by shoot it.?
They continue on to the blind, convinced that they are rid of her, at least for the day.
About two hours later they hear a gun shot. ?No way?, they exclaim and rush to the area where they had left her.
When they get there they find her with a man pinned under her foot, the gun pointed at his head.
?It?s my deer I shot it, IT?S MY DEER? she is shouting at the man.
To which he replies ?OK Lady whatever you say, just let me get the saddle off it!?
 
Subject: Dumber Than Dumb
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful . She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. *********************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
*********************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative workled the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
*********************
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. (sounds like a Maysville native)
*********************
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
*********************
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
*********************
R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
*********************
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
*********************
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
 
Speed Demon
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119."
 
Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
1. Football
2. Baseball
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
 
SIGNS OF: "TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S" MENTALITY

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
 
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey.
The store owner points toward three identical monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly, natural mini-habitats. "The
one on the left cost $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer. "Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one cost $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and
Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!"
exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a 'Consultant'."
 
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Top Ten Reasons Your Bank Line is so Long
1. Bank employees are attention starved.
2. Bank managers take bets to see which customer passes out first.
3. Tellers are too busy plotting their lunch break to be concerned with the customers.
4. The abacus got rusty.
5. Bank employees spend too much time telling customers to LINK-UP.
6. Artists get tired printing twenty dollar bills by hand.
7. Why not, you've got all day.
8. Because It's 12:45 and you know your check is going to bounce at 1:00pm
9. Service charges and line-ups are cosmically linked.
10. That Old Lady is paying all her bills in pennies.
 
In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
1) The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
3) The American thought - "That fucking Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".
 
Where is the money?
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
Tired of Blonde Jokes????

Tired of Blonde Jokes????

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ?
It doesn't show the dirt.
Who makes all the bras for brunettes ?
Fisher-Price
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable
Why are most brunettes flat-chested ?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ?
It matches their mustache
Why is the color brunette considered evil ?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch ?
How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
Check her for a pulse
What is the most frustrated animal in the world ?
A brunette rabbit
Why do brunettes wear training bras ?
It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day
Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls ?
Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious
How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair ?
With a rake
What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween ?
They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops
Why don't brunettes get breast implants ?
They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants
What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
" What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"
Why did God create brunettes ?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out
What do brunettes miss most about a great party ?
The invitation
Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
From their underarms
Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch
How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night ?
Startled
What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette ?
A hostage
How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color ?
By studying what oil spills did to seaweed
What's the difference between a brunette and the trash ?
At least the trash gets taken out once a week
 
58 things NOT to say to a naked guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a nightcrawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's OK, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Ever hear of Clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this wont take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
58. Nevermind, why bother.
 
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out
until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
 
~~WORDS OF WISDOM~~
1. If you're rich and have two jobs, you're diversified. If you're poor and have two jobs, you're moonlighting.
2. Ability is the power to do something special -- like speaking several languages or keeping your mouth shut in one.
3. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
4. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
5. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
6. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me the hell alone.
7. Try a little kindness. As little as possible.
8. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
9. Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
10. If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I seem to always wind up sharing elevators with a lot of freakin' geniuses.
11. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
12. They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kinda foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
13. Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
14. A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
15. People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
16. If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.
17. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
18. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and even fewer still to ignore them completely.
19. Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and an expert at making breakfast.
20. Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
21. Some people look intelligent when they wear glasses, but it's only an optical illusion.
22. If it's got TIRES or TESTICLES, it's gonna give you TROUBLE!
23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
24. A good pun is its own reword.
 
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cell phone just perot'ed."
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take in-house training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
Skillet: Annoying or clueless individual. Makes an IQ relationship between the given individual and any random inanimate object.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruptions of speech in mid-sentence.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
Dancing Baloney: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kind of dull. Maybe some dancing baloney will help."
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soom.
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debs, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Midair Passenger Exchange: Grim air-traffic-controller speak for a head-on collision. Midair Passenger Exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."
PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They have numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions.)
Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy is an ID-ten-T using our software."
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and leaves.
Square-headed Girlfriend: Another word for computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
Telephone Number Salary: A salary (project budget) that has seven digits.
Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh... Dale, my um...friend..."
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the keys for certain Mac commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal:"We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
 
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

1.Relatives who have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
2.You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.
3.You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
4.The sun is too loud.
5.Trees begin chasing you.
6.You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
7.You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an IV drip solution of espresso.
8.You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
9.You can hear mimes.
10.You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
11.Things become "Very Clear."
12.You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
13.The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
14.You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
15.You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
16.You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
17.Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
18.David Lynch wants to base a new TV show on you.
19.You and Reality file for divorce.
20.It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. although, if you go to MIT, this is not out of the ordinary) (Caltech too!).
21.You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
22.You can travel without moving.
23.Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
24.You discover the aesthetic beauty of school supplies.
25.You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
26.Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
27.You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
 
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, and therefore, to be a judge at a chili cook-off (because no one else wanted to do it... also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came). I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled... it's kinda cute.
* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
* Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Momma??!!
 
If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.-- Clarence Day
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.-- Shirley Temple
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing, when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- Rod Serling
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. -- Robert Frost
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. -- Sam Levenson
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. -- David Letterman
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. -- Al Capone
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. -- Joey Bishop
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you -- Chuck Gubser
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason
When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? -- Jean Cocturan
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Leno
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. -- Michael Landon
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear cut, stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. --Gamel Abdel Nasser
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so.
-- Artimus Ward, 1834-1867
Put another way: You can always spot a well informed man - his views are the same as yours. -- Ilka Chase
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. -- Mark Twain
In 3 words I can sum up everything I've learned in life. It goes on. -- Robert Frost
Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts. -- GQ
Reality is a scary plane of existence, avoid it at all costs. -- Unknown
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for. -- Maureen Doud
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. -- Mae West
 
"A romance novel"
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all to soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable Mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaaa", then rejoined the flock.
 
ctgblue said:
"A romance novel"
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all to soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable Mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaaa", then rejoined the flock.
Click to expand...
kentucky here we come :iggthumpu
 
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