Joke Thread....

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Baked Beans
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!
 
Bubba's Tater

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to
attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old
fool...They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a
pair of Speedos - about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater
down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you
want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking
new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming
hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away,
laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's
wrong now?"

"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"
 
Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.

Just one lady in front of me. . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen
for dollars and she was a little irritated . . She asked the teller,
"Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get
hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
 
TOP 13 REJECTED PLANET HOLLYWOOD APPETIZERS

13.Eddie Murphy's Sausage Surprise

12.The Full Monty Cristo

11.Forrest Gumbo

10.Hugh Grant's Whore D'oeuvres

9.A Fish Called Sushi

8.Tom Arnold's Cocktail Weenies

7.Cindy Crawford's Chicken Mole

6.Die Hard Twice-Boiled Lobster

5.Arnold's "It'll Be Back" Bean Soup

4.Demi's Implant Parmigiana

3.Calista Flockheart's All-You-Can-Puke-Back-Up Salad Bar

2.Sharon Stone's "Glimpse O' Clam" Chowder

1.Just Eat It, Ya Starry-Eyed Loser!
 
If women ruled the world...

-Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

-PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

-Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

-Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding
rings in their pockets.

-A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is
breathing.

-Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would
increase by 40 pounds.

-Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

-Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of
bedtime.

-Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for
none of the credit.

-Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."

-Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.

-Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no
pictures.

-Men would learn phrases like "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're
beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

-Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments.

-Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

-Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

-All toilet seats would be nailed down.

-Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

-TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

-All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

-During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19
year olds.

-Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention
constantly.

-After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait
on their wives hand and foot.

-For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year-old
for six weeks.
 
A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her.
So he asks, "Do you know me?"
The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery!?"


She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
 
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Quick, pour me 12 drinks."
So the bartender pours him 12 shots, and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another.
The bartender says to the guy,"Boy, you're drinking those really fast."
The guy says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast, too, if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."
 
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I guess so."

"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand-new. It's going to last a long time. I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

oops
 
TARZAN

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and
his weenie. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him
the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby
elephant's trunk.

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how you
like-a your new parts?"

Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear...Arm good...long, strong...but
Tarzan not crazy about new weenie... all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up
Tarzan's ass."
 
The Cop and the Kid

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
 
The piss test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
 
20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'

2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'

5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!'

6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'

9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'

11. Say, 'Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.'

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'

13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.

Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.

16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.
 
No Viagra



A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
 
Things you can learn from having children:

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke...lots of it.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock
even though a forty-year old man says that can only
be done in the movies.

If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and
run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A four-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in
a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy
wearing a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to
throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows, even double pane, does not
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an
overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing
baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 square foot house four inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year old.

Duplo blocks will not.

PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the
same sentence.

Superglue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool,
you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters don't like Jell-O

VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither
do embroidered bedsheets.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Always look in the dryer before using it. A
four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

The fire department in our city has a response time
of at least five minutes.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up two times their body weight when
dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean there is nothing wrong.
 
THIS IS A SPECIAL BAR

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here," the first guy says. "Oh really?" the other replies, "it's also a very special bar." "Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it," he says. "Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." With that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast," he says. "Well, what the heck. OK, I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10....20...30...40...50...100...200...300...500 ...1000 feet and SPLAT!, ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says,

"You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
 
WITH WINGS AND SUCKS BLOOD

Dracula was killed one day and up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood and killing.

"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re-incarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?" Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING WITH WINGS AND SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh." "So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.

So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a lil'bit sheepish. "I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time? Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS AND SUCKS BLOOD!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.

So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid. "I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God. Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy. Then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS AND SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"

"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS AND SUCKS BLOOD.

Dracula became a maxi pad.
 
The Pretzel Hold
================

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It
is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he
has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he
does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other
several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't
watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.
The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly
collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me
in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to
lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and
bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"

"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
balls!"
 
Xflyboy said:
Man you are a riot! where do you find this stuff?
Click to expand...

I have years and years worth or stupid jokes and emails that I go through here at work, lol. :pcguru:
 
Traffic Jam

A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches
downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that
is
blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for
miles in all directions.

After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the
freeway,
stopping and talking to people through their car windows.

When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's

causing all this delay?"

The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this,
but
OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up
there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can
ever
pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's
threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if
people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the
judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"How much have you gotten so far."

"About ten gallons."
 
Dutch Driving Test

Dutch-Driving-Test.jpg
 
yes stay behind the bike and drive slowly to assure she makes it to her destination safely!
 
Short Story

Short Story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things:

1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it"
 
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