For decades I was shadowing my misery behind a facade. Always trying to be what others expected, but never delivering was my forte.
I stumbled through ages in self-denial, always figuring my misery was the other guys fault, never clearly seeing my role in it, then last April happened, when we lost the baby.
After that I stopped caring what others thought, wanted, or expected. I realized life was precious and everyday held a surprise, but with a closed mind, it would always be out of reach,
so I opened my mind and gained tolerance for myself. It's the best thing I ever did.
Since then, I have gone through a total transformation.
I lost 30 pounds, let my hair grow long, changed my wardrobe to what I really like. Wow, I can't believe the female attention I get even though I don't look for it.
I started taking chances and for once started huge projects without seeing the way, means, or end in sight. Just went for the complete moment.
Once fearing to move because of the tremendous amount of weight the necessary had, I started working on projects one tiny thing at a time until the dominoes of completion eliminated them from the list. I pushed and pushed the limits of time. Up early and down around 3 AM for the past 3 months. Mind work, once a chore of concentration, was bubbling. Ideas were popping, and I grabbed them before they became lost to oblivion. I have gotten straight "A's" in my post graduate classwork so far, that's a first.
I stopped taking heart medicine, now no headaches, no chest pains for almost 3 months. My sex drive is up, the wife is amorous again, especially when she's not ovulating. We feel anew, just when we thought it was over. I see her as a new person, worth all the love, affection, and support I can give.
My kids are fighting for my time, and I have arrived at the point in my life where I am so content I just want to love them, see them, be with them to explore our lives together. It may enrich us and help us grow, but none of it needs to be staged.
I feel spontaneous for the first time in years. I returned to college for a Principal's Certification, got more responsibility at work and for the first time, truly feel a part of the team; the big picture. People are respecting me all over the place, especially the students. I am finally making a dent, reaching them, and hopefully inspiring them to want more out of life and work for it.
In the past I was a "Chicken Little," and didn't know how to live. I thought the sky would fall or the bottom would drop out any second and realized I was not prepared for the free-fall. So I pained, every moment expecting it to be my last, and in the back of my mind, realized I had never really lived. I was only a shadow of a man.
Yes, now everything is coming up aces and I'm not even concerned about the bottom any more. Best of all, I'm sober. Who would have thought I could think or feel this way without some "supplement." Not me.
I truly am a new man; full of confidence, vigor, impulse, desire, and lust for life. I am at work right now for Parents Night, but all I want to do is run home to hug my kids, read them a story, and kiss my wife.
In a moment, each would be a world.
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