Did a lot of thinking last night, just got the kids to bed, put on some trance music, and chilled out.
Definately have esteem issues.
Definately half-psychotic from being attacked twice in 3 years, both shoulders fcked up and having to deal with chronic, constant pain.
I got to the point where I just stopped all meds together, pain and the wellbutrin which is an antidepressant. Shit fucked up my head.
Not the same person I was 16 months ago since starting that shit, but I'm done with it whatever the doc says and moving on.
Also I'm dealing with the pain, taking nothing for it, and doing what I can to accept it's potentially there to stay.
Maybe I want out. I travelled the world before I met her, but have been strapped to the house, fixing it, watching the kids while she goes wherever. Only thing is if I leave I loose everything and I'm not ready or secure enough financially to do that. Besides, my kids are closer to me and it would crush them.
The job thing has me very anxious. Being screwed over by these mfr's is really eating me up inside, and the union pukes are not doing shit.
I can't even move to another district until 60 days after the disciplinary issue, that the Principal filed against me (for telling a kid to shut the fuck up). Pissed for sure as I worked like hell the past 7 years to get to where I should be pay-wise this coming school year.
Now I'm in limbo.
Limbo is the problem, but I figured a healthy psychological alternative whereby I can have some control over progress, that is to go back to remodelling my house. Finishing the job, little here and/or there. This will help her appreciate me more, give me healthy work, and move forward timewise by accomplishing something rather than be pinned down by some real or imagined limitation.
My angst may have been misdirected, but something is definately going on with my wife, has been for some time, and I'm really just overcoming the denial I had for so long. I held it in for many years.
Check it out, we just went to the mall, she went off on her own and got sexy bras & panties from Victoria Secret, then a few sexy sport tops. (She only ever wore the cotton panties for me).
Yeah, ok, I know she looks good now and wants to feel good about herself. I was pissed because I loved her when she was chubby, which was for over 10 years, and now that she's sexy again the thought of someone else being rewarded irks me, but in reality, maybe I lost her a long time ago and she's only been tolerating me, at least that's what she says.
Wow, how's that for an ego stroke, I should be happy because my woman only tolerates my existence. Is that par, desireable, or even acceptable?
Doesn't matter, I'm not in control here, and that's what's making me bat shit, so I give up control as the elusive thing it is and I don't really want anyway. I'll do little things, finish projects, and move on with what I can.
Maybe she "is" trying to get my attention, but my esteem is so low I'm on the defensive. A probability I can't deny.
Even so, I am determined to be my old happy-go-lucky-old-beach-lifeguard self, rolling with it to the shore. Like I used to sit on my chair in the pouring rain in my rain slicker, relaxing, waiting, watching, and living in the moment. These things I believe will benefit my emotional health the most, and that's important, very important as I go through all these other changes.
I can't legally GPS her car because she owns it. I won't do it, too much intrigue and I agree with P Batreman about trust and the need for it.
BUT, there is something going on in the near future, and I may have it covered. It could give me the info I seek and is legal, so I am pursuing it. I should get enough information to determine conclusively one way or another. That's all I'll write about it here for now, but I owed it to myself to take charge of this negativity and find resolve in the process.
OK the tren. First time for that, but I've cycled since 1987, so I'm not new to this. Only 300 mg/wk both tren and prop, then 150mg/wk of masteron with 50-75mg avday, and 1mg arimidex/day (cause my nips are huge). I weigh 240 so these are not exactly max doses, but given the other issues, I'm glad many brought a potential connection to the fore. I take it with grave consideration and will act accordingly with this information.
Funny thing is, I feel surprisingly calm mostly, I'm definately not head-jacked like a big EN/EQ cycle. Definately overly worried about stuff though. I am getting better emotionally everyday since quitting the wellbutrin on July 6th.
This is a mostly embarrassing situation but has been building for a long time. I thought she'd be over it by now but it appears she is dead-set on this new direction and I would be stupid not to prepare just in case. Many men will attest to their lack of preparation for a potential break-up by being in denial and wistfully going along hoping things will get better. I need to be more proactive, even though I have no interest in straying or breaking up. Maybe in a year, but now is an important time for me to make specific career advances which will offer me great financial support. Anyone will tell you an emotional break-up is much easier if one is in good financial position. If it's in the cards, I need to be financially stable so as to provide the best for my kids, which for me is very important, both for them and I.
Thanks again for your harsh words, I needed them. Only someone who cares about you can really give it to you straight. I have been a whiner here for so long I'm surprised some even give me the time of day, but I will write this in true earnestness, what you write I take to heart with consideration and an open mind. Your perspectives matter to me.
Thanks again for offering your, as Arnold said, "Advices!"
Better chill out & address that shit before you lose your family merely bcoz your mind wasn't straight at the time. Get a grip!
