Joke of the day

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OK, I've got a ton of these, I've got a thread at IM, but you could use one here too.



And in the spirit on the season..............
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 700 pound, stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more than you did".
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.
They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!!!!!"
 
LUCKY FROG
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog " the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
 
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
 
The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.
His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months."
The Queen seriously doubts this ... "One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me."
So the Pope headbutts her.
 
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put
on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."
 
Two men, who work at an airport, are drinking in the hanger one night after work when they realize that they have run out of beer.
They are looking around for something to drink when they spot a large container marked ?Jet Fuel?.
They look at each other and think, ?It can?t hurt to try a little?.
After one sip they realize, ?Hey this is pretty good? and continue drinking it all night.
One of them awakes in the morning to a ringing telephone and realizes, ? Hey, I feel great. No hangover at all.
He picks up the phone and on the other end is his friend.
?How do you feel?? he asks.
?Great, no hangover at all?
?Have you farted yet?? his friend asks.
?NO? he replies.
?Don?t?, says his friend ?I?m in Pheonix!?
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. after his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He says, "your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. for lunch make him a nutritious meal. for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. and most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, " what did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
 
Last one for the week, we head to WV tomorrow and the Arnold on Friday
**********************************************************

SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
6. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
9. Your bologna has no first name.
10. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
11. Sally Struthers sends you food.
12. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
 
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms..
At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary." The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
 
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
 
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA PEE.
Get out of the way.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
CAN I GET YOUR COAT?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
LET ME GET YOUR DOOR.
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
NICE DRESS!
Nice cleavage!
YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE.
I want to fondle you!
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
WHAT'S WRONG?
I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'M BORED.
Do you want to have sex?
I LOVE YOU.
Can we have sex now?
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!
GOOD MORNING.
That was great sex. Let's have more!
SEE YOU LATER.
That was great sex. Let's have more!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE SHOPPING:
YES, THAT ONE'S NICE.
Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
UH-HUH.
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . . . . . . .
Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER.
I'm gay
IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT.
I'm really stupid!
 
A Cynics Guide to Life:
1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
2. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
3. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
4. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
5. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
6. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
7. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
8. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
9. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
10. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
11. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
12. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
13. Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
14. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
15. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
16. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
17. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
18. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
19. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
 
The Pickle Slicer
Bob worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his "appendage" in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later Bob came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bob?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my "appendage" in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bob, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bob, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bob. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."
 
Two buddies were out taking their dogs for a walk. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get a drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us. "
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mate, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "Oh OK, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he also put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew this would be harder to believe.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, mate, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said," A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?? .......... the bastards gave me a Chihuahua???
 
THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F^*$ off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fxxx is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
 
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife is leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife is arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your son's on t.v.
Bad: On America's Most Wanted.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
 
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
?Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.
They were all were singing Happy Birthday... and there on the couch I sat... naked.
 
"I voted for the Republicans because I didn't like the way the Democrats were running the country.
Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." - Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." - Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" - John Mendoza
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals, we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " - Jerry Seinfeld
 
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they walked down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof you got?" Gray." Then he asked "What color siding?" "Yellow." "You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car." "That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm here..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. " Oh, I see them now. Your wife a blond? Dark roots?" "Yeah." "Your buddy got black hair?"
?Yeah!" "Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." Said the hitman.
Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!" The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim.
He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
 
1. Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed, "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read, "Please use other entrance."
2. Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was, "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
3. A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the postal clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Has it come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
4. A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.
5. His answer: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.
6. I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" my son asked. "He died and went to heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
7. After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
8. "My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife answered. Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
 
100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY! > (No offense intended or implied)
1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69) Same work...more pay!
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) ESPN's SportsCenter.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81) Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There's always a game on somewhere.
 
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war ... Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go! You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off! I've got the toe clippers right here!' "
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner......"
--Lynda Montgomery
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
 
RED TAPE
And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has"
 
An usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater. He walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat."
The man moaned but didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager."
The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled.
"And where're you from, Joe?"
"The balcony," Joe responds painfully...
 
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. It's certainly not a ship, he thinks to himself.
And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous brunette woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years"! he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"
She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of scotch?"
Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
 
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