Joke of the day

  • Thread starter Thread starter ctgblue
  • Start date Start date
A neatly dressed salesman stopped by a man in the street and asked,
"Sir, would you like to buy a toothbrush for ten dollars?"
Aghast, the man said, "I should say not. That's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt. "Well then, how about a homemade brownie for five cents?"
This seemed fair, and the man handed a nickel to the salesman.
Unwrapping the brownie, he took a bite; suddenly the man spat out the mouthful.
"Say, he snarled, "This brownie tastes like shit!"
?It is?, replied the salesman. ?Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
 
From a Washington Post Report from Week 228, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
First runner-up:
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny.
(Brendan Bassett, Columbia)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet.
(David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (hmmmmm Atkins diet?)
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
(Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy.
(Bruce Evans, Washington)
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys.
(Russell Beland, Springfield, & Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
Copyright 1997 The Washington Post Company
 
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet)but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting-the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato!
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
 
Books that never made it past the publisher to the press!

"Little Golden Books That Never Made It"

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS (With apologies to Theodore):

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Shebert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
 
Engineer Jokes
Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey - Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Top 20 Engineers' Terminology?s
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED:
We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM:
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION:
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH:
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED:
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE:
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING:
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED:
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS:
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT:
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL:
Let's spread responsibility for the screw up
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR OPINION:
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION:
I can't wait to hear this BS!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS:
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW:
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED:
Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT:
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT:
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING:
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE:
Impossible to fix if broken.
An Amazingly Accurate Portrayal of Engineers
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people.
This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them.
The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.
This chapter will teach you everything you need to know.
I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused.
If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
1. Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
2. Important social contacts
3. A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
1. Get it over with as soon as possible.
2. Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
3. Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
1. Things that need to be fixed
AND
2. Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems.
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.
No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.
If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the Starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.
This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers.
A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness.
Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.
They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties.
*Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates.
MacGyver.
Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships.
That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.
They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them.
The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
1. "I won't change anything without asking you first."
2. "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
3. "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
4. "I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal.
This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment.
This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies.
Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk.
They try to eliminate it whenever they can.
This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
1. Hindenberg.
2. Space Shuttle Challenger.
3. SPANet(tm)
4. Hubble space telescope.
5. Apollo 13.
6. Titanic.
7. Ford Pinto.
8. Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
1. RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
2. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.
The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
1. How smart they are.
2. How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable.
No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved.
No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case.
These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.)
And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill.
Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.
When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem.
The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
 
No wonder we can't get ahead.
Four Habits of Highly effective people
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. >That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour, That way you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
 
Alabama vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that THAT was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabama boy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Mississippi to get a second opinion. The Mississippi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs to finish counting on his other hand.
 
1994 APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERN BASIC INFORMATION:
1. Name: ___ (Honey) ___ (Sweetie) ___ (Babe) (check all applicable)
2. Age: ___ (21 or under) ___ (not eligible) (check only one)
3. Sex: _______(Y/N)
4. Dress size: _______
EDUCATION AND GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
5. How many men did you date in college? ___
6. Typically, what did you do on a first date?
A. Sex
B. Oral sex
C. Both
D. None of the above
(If answer is D, please disregard remainder of application)
7. Define "adultery":
A. Sexual intercourse, including actual penetration and ejaculation, between a married person and someone other than that person's spouse.
B. Anything less
(Hint, answer is "A")
8. Which of the following do not fit within the technical definition of "improper relationship": (circle all applicable)
A. An elected official having sex with a 21-year old in the White House while his wife is in the next room
B. An elected official using law enforcement officers to solicit dates for him
9. What do you think of the novel Lolita?
10. Have you studied the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution?
OFFICE SKILLS:
11. Please circle all skills you possess:
Discretion
Lying under oath
Evading service of process
Big breasts
12. Typing speed: ___ (if unknown, substitute bra size)
13. Do you know how to check for a wiretap? ___
14. PERSONAL:
15. Do you have a younger sister? ___
16. Describe the type of men you prefer to date:
Young, athletic, intelligent, and filled with integrity
Fat pedophiles
17. Do you like cheeseburgers? ___
18. Choose the item below that best describes your personality:
Naive, insecure, and trusting
Ineligible for this job
19. How many drinks does it take for you to lose control of your judgment?
REFERENCES:
20. Do you know any male member of the Kennedy family?
21. Do you know Kenneth Starr?
UPON COMPLETION:
Please submit this application along with a writing sample (or your panties) to the White House Staff Coordinator's office. You may receive a telephone call with further questions. For security reasons, the telephone caller will not identify himself and will breath heavily.
 
Best phrases to use in your resignation letter.

1. Dear life-sucking, detritus-ridden, glob of primordial ooze?

2. ?and so with mixed emotions (excitement, joy & happiness) I tender my resignation

3. And to think, I owe this newfound wealth all to this firm and the supervisor who forgot to have me sign a non-disclosure agreement.

4. I concede that my disclosure of confidential accounting data to the IRS is, while inadvertent, unexcusable.

5. By the way, I've arranged it so Microsoft and SPA Anti-Piracy won't be in to audit your license compliance until the week I am gone.

6. Any attempt to contact me is acceptance of a contract for services at $4000 per day for a minimum of five days

7. You mean my work PC is missing?

8. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I stole the laser printer so the jokes on you.

9. ?and now aren't you sorry you made me upgrade the operating system by myself. Just try and guess the password you dolt.

10. By the way, two months ago, I used that blue toothbrush in the bathroom to clean the toilet.

11. In my grand jury testimony?

12. And since no one from management was in today, I simply left my id badge and cell phone on the desk.

13. ?and I don't know where my lottery winnings will take me next.

13. In conclusion, good luck finding the high yield explosive device I installed somewhere in the building. If my calculations are correct, it should be going off in approximately, five?four?three?two?
 
A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car after a while there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own."

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is".

Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? lady, I'm sitting in it".
 
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
--------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
 
TALES FROM A TRAVEL AGENT
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33a .m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
 
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
1. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
2. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
3. Dogs think you sing great.
4. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
5. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
6. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
7. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
8. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
9. Dogs love red meat.
10. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
11. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
12. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
13. A dog's parents never visit.
14. Dogs love long car trips.
15. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
16. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
17. Dogs like beer.
18. No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher or Barbara Streisand album.
19. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
20. Dogs don't worry about germs.
21. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
22. You never have to wait for a dog.
23. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
24. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
25. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
26. Dogs never want foot-rubs.
27. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
 
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
 
Dilbert's Salary Law: Engineers Vs. Business
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work
---------- = Power
Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work
----------- = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
----------------- = Money
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity! -regardless of the amount of Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.
 
Books that never made it past the publisher to the press!

"Little Golden Books That Never Made It"

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
 
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze democrat, a bronze muslim radical, or anything French."
 
SIGNS THAT YOU DRINK TOO MUCH
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you....
16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Chocolate.
21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
22. Roseanne looks good.
23. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
 
(MORE) ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Jones?s, I keep us up with the Simpsons?.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for Democratic Congressional Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
 
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree?
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only
 
Pickup Lines That Don't Work:
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside WalMart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
Your name must be visa, because you're everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
You be my Dairy Queen, and I'll be your Burger King; you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
Wanna Play House? You be the screen door, and I'll slam you all night long.
Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't like this song, and I wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
I'm new in town. Could I have directions to your house?
If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hi, I'm a necrophiliac. How good are you at playing dead?
I can't find my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into a motel room.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
PICK UP LINES THAT DO (did) WORK
Carl E. Armstrong esq.
Hello, my dear, I am not married.
I just won the $100 million lottery
I have a house in Maine, one in Florida, and one is the south of France.
My chauffer's personal car is a Lexus LS 400!
I just love little children!
You owe back rent? Not a problem my dear!
Behind in your car payments? Not a problem my dear!
The more children, the merrier.
Our flight to Rio leaves at 5:52 p.m. today.
I have Super Bowl Tickets.
There is no other woman in my life at this moment.
It has been two long years since I have dated.
I am scheduled to play Polo tomorrow morning.
I have reservations for two at Cher Louie.
What time should Pierre pick you up?
I think a man and a woman should know each other for a while before intimacy, don't you?
Looks are not everything, Personality is most important.
What do you mean, you don't know how to do the (any dance)? Let me show you how it is done.
I think all men should agree to a commitment.
I love Budweiser, jeans, black hats, and line dancing.
You want to go muddin tomorrow?
And last but not least, the number one line that works everytime
Are you interested in marriage?
 
Truck Driver
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender says ?OK, truck drivers are not nerds?, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license", he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
 
Giant Buttered Cat Array
Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
#1
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
#2
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#3
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
#4
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
 
WHAT AM I?
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"
So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"
[The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."
 
Seinfeld-isms, From the Washington Post
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living plants? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
 
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment...Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. The moral to this story is, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael?...Do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops.

"She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral is in that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
 
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "Go ask your Mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Posts

Trending

Back
Top