Joke of the day

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....
On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....

"Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:...
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
 
This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced an I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.
While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.
The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident.
They talked to the ground crew.
"I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew.
"Sex releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.
"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'Where did that cocksucker go???'"
 
An Artists Work

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
 
Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over
1. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
2. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
3. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
4. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
5. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
6. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
7. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
8. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
9. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
10. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
 
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.
 
REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS (With apologies to Theodore):

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
 
And in the spirit on the season..............
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 700 pound, stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more than you did".
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.
They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!!!!!"
 
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That?s the ugliest baby I?ve ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he?s a public servant and shouldn?t say things to insult passengers."
"You?re right" she said. "I think I?ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That?s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
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